Sometimes I Can't Sleep Thinking of You

( About Takeshi )

I have never felt so much anger and uneasy writting down a bad experience on paper...I never really actually talked about this particular situation simply because I HATE talking about it!! I hate thinking it...But I thought at the moment that it would help me...VENT some anger out but I only feel like it's fueling it even more just remembering.

I'm still going to go through with it, my teacher is reading it as I'm here typing. I had to get away while she read it. I just hope I don't scare her...I mean I just...when I'm angry it's not cool srsly...simply because I don't get angry easily. But just these things...bad experiences I've went through..talking or writing them just gets me uneasy and I feel like I'm battling myself each and everytime.

I hate being torn apart like this.

I wish I could forgive her I really do...what she did was stupid and selfish...I can't seem to forgive her though. I can't as much as I tried to. I've tried to talk to her many times..but that feeling keeps coming back eating its way through me when she's around. 

I just wished she could have seen our mom that way...that way...how I saw her...what she said.

I wonder if it would even phase her!! I just wish she could stop being selfish thinking about herself all the fucking time.

WHY CAN'T YOU USE YOUR DAMN HEAD!? HUH?!

Let those guys take over your mind like that..I swear sometimes I want to really beat the crap out of you because of what I feel and how much YOU HURT ME!! 

I wonder if you even have a fucking clue how much YOU have hurt me since I was little...do you even know how badly that did affect me?? NO! you didn't no fucking clue!! All you cared about was going out and boys this and that. BULLSHIT. FUCK YOU AND YOUR BOYS!!! I hated them did you know that?? I hated being around people like you...which was everyone..they all reminded me of you and they PROVED ME RIGHT!! ...there was a few [Only a Few] who really meant the world to me and I love them for it, I love that they dont leave b/c of anything I do or say wrong...which they would always let me know. THEY KNOW ME!! THEY KNOW ME BETTER THAN MY OWN SISTER HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!....You don't even know how many times you've made me cry...literally cry because of the pain you've caused. Either crying out of sadness which was rarily or out of anger WHICH WAS MOST OF THE FUCKING TIME!! I can't stand being by you...it's so uncomfortable. I try to talk to you but I can't seem to get through sometimes.
I just can't stand you...I really really can't. Maybe I haven't even forgiven you...

Maybe this is all I want to scream in your face...maybe its what I want to say but I can't...even physically hurt you so you can feel it instead...I just feel bottled up and its because you weren't around to help me vent it. You left...like aways and you still do...I'll eventually blow up one day and you won't know what hits you. Right now I just rather keep it in from you..I just felt like writing this hoping maybe you'd stumble upon it and read it...really read it and tell me what you think about it. But I know thats only wishful thinking...

Maybe I will forgive you..."sister"...One day.

Right now I can't stand you. I am sorry for feeling this towards you after all these years. But I can't shake it. I can't.

I can't get close to you anymore simply because...you've let me down over and over again...I've grown tired of it, I really have. So from now on I'm just going to stay my distance from you...maybe it's a time thing or maybe this relationship with you is way past overdue or maybe it faded away from the berry beginning and I'm here trying to get something back which was Never there. <//3

...Sorry...whatever that means. =\

Title: A Conspiracy Against Me
Author: kazumiarima aka Victoria
Part: 1/?
Rating: Teen 16+up
Pairing: Jayley, Hayley/Josh
Summary: A masochistic lovesick triangle, divided hearts, painful tears, big ego reputation, betrayed anger and darkness collide.
Disclaimer: I only OWN my words. ^_^ I don’t own Paramore. This Never happened.
A/N: The song Conspiracy by Paramore inspired me to write this fanfic. It is also my first fan fic, comments and con-crit are welcomed, this is a modified version of what I had posted before, simply because I had a few mistakes and left out things unintentionally. But thanks for the comments, from the chapters I had posted; I will have them up and going!! ^_^ Also, a big thanks to nishikidokiss, who is my editor, ha-ha yes you read correctly [Editor]. She is going to get me going on my fanfics and getting it to go smoothly like I want it to. So, Enjoy!

Okay so I'm new to livejournal and I have been commenting and trying to figure out livejournal and to tell you the truth it's a bit overwhelming. lol A bit skeptical about how my fics will be compared to really good ones I have read so far but I'm going to try my best!!! So please wish me luck and if you can help me out with anything that I don't know that would be greatly appreciated!! There's a few abbreviations I don't know the meaning of lol and what tools do what so if any tips that you might suggest to a newbie that would be great also!! So thank you and here's to me doing a good job like everyone else has!! *cheers* lol >_<